Life of MALA: A Holiday Engagement

I'M ENGAGED!

To quote Clueless, and my childhood idol, Cher:

"As if."

Anyone who knows me knows two very important things. One, I am nowhere even close to getting married and two, today is my favorite holiday.

There are two holidays I wake up early for: Christmas and April Fool's Day. Ever since I was young I have loved this day - an entire day that justifies being a total pain in the ass to all of your friends, co-workers, and family members. Of course, after years of lies and pranks, my family members along with many of my close friends do not pick up my calls anymore on April 1st. (I am slightly concerned that one of these years I will have an actual emergency and I will be the boy who cried wolf and no one will be there to help...I will wonder if the years of hilarious pranks and evil lies to the ones I love most all worth it?)

Of course it was worth it. It was funny. For me, at least.

I do have to admit though, I have hit what one would refer to as rock bottom in the April Fool's world. I have trouble with the line, in that I cross it. Often. It was two years ago when I hurdled that line. The prank was flawless, a perfect prank one might say. One might also say a friendship ruiner. Against all of my holiday morals, I began the prank a week in advance. I do not usually believe in doing such things but since the particular prank recepient had gotten me pretty badly a few years back by beginning a week in advance I thought it was justified. April Fool's Day is a singular day, not a week. You really should only begin and end the prank on the actual day, but as I said earlier, this was a special case.

After graduating college a few of my friends decided to create online dating profiles. They would go on a few dates with men they met online and from their stories, it never really seemed to work out. The men never seemed to be who they said they were in their profiles, or look like their pictures. (Shocking!) So the week before April Fool's Day, I decide to create the perfect man. His name was Brad. He was beautiful. In fact, he was a TV star on a show I knew my friend didn't watch. I googled his image and found one that looked like it was taken with a phone and cropped his friend out for his profile photo. He loved traveling. He loved Italy. He loved food. I connected him as much as I could with my friend in his likes and dislikes. Since it was two years ago and the profile is long gone, I can't remember enough to get too specific but I think you get the idea.

Day one. I "winked" at her profile. That's a thing apparently, online winking. Similar to the creepy but entertaining Facebook poke. Then I waited for her call, which came that night. She told me about the guy and gave me some background information. I told her he sounded great.

Day two. I messaged her. I told her she seemed fun and asked her if she would want to ever meet. She responded quickly, she wanted to meet. Then I got the call, "He wants to meet!" Her excitement almost broke my heartless April Fool-loving heart, but I stayed strong. I told her to send me his picture and she did. I told her he was ridiculously good looking, he honestly looked like an actor. (I mean I was basically giving it away here…) She still did not realize he was actually an actor. We began to plan her outfit. They were meeting ON April Fool's Day. She did not notice the irony of the date Brad had set either. Things were going swimmingly.

Day three. I created a fake e-mail account. Then I e-mailed her. I explained I don't really like messaging on dating sites and felt like e-mail was a little more formal. I told her to meet me at 7:30pm at Bertucci's. (For those of you who don't know this restaurant, it's a delicious and affordable Italian restaurant with the tastiest rolls I've ever eaten. It is also the reason for the fifteen pounds I gained in college.) She responded to my email and we were all set for our date.

Day four. April Fool's Day. She called me to discuss her outfit, I confirmed it was perfect and told her to call me BEFORE she walks into the date.

7:30pm: no call.

8:00pm: still no call. I have texted her three times.

8:05pm: She texts me "I don't think he's coming…"

Apparently she had forgotten to call me before and walked into the restaurant where she silenced her phone and had two glasses of water and a roll before taking her phone out to check messages. The waiter had gone over three times to see if her date was coming.

My original plan had been to confess prior to her going inside and getting a table. But she never called before she went in like I had told her to. It was the first and only fight we have had to this day. It lasted 45 minutes. It began with her hanging up and hating me after I told her "April Fools!" on the phone. She recovered quickly but it was still an eye opener for me. How far will you go to really mess with your friends? Me? Too far. Luckily we can laugh about it now.

The last April Fool's Day I took a break. I wasn't as excited and motivated since it was the one month anniversary of my favorite fool victim passing away. I can still hear my mom screaming at me upstairs because she figured out I smeared vaseline all over the toilet. I can vividly see her face at the kitchen sink the year I had wrapped my black hair elastic around the spray nozzle. When she turned the water on it sprayed her immediately. Her face was priceless. Every April Fool's Day was celebrated growing up. I think that's why I love this holiday so much. It inspires insane amounts of creativity and imagination. The kind of creativity and imagination that came so naturally to us all when we were so young. It reminds us to laugh. It lets us act like a little kid.

Being an adult is exhausting sometimes. I find it way more fun to channel my inner 5-year-old self. I think if you let yourself do the same today, you might agree.

Green drinks for the roommates on St. Patrick's Day: